What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
the rocks need my help
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?