People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same