*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”