My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.