His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat