Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening