Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Wake me when AI does housework
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.