*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.