Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.