Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
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My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes