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I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The news
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.