ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off