Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL