I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Jail
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds