I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
don’t be scared
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
some Old Testament wisdom
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Google assistant rules
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.