Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic