Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
just left a huge legacy in there