A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.