Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20