Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
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I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day