It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Fidel Castro was alive?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you