Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Spa day..😅
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.