My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
You Might Also Like
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Happy thanksgiving!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.