Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You Might Also Like
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.