Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot