Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.