I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative