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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.