Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great