Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
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ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
It do be feeling this way.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?