If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know