Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.