At least my masseuse has my back.
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy