My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.