[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!