Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
philosophical skeletons be like
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.