Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….