I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
This forever.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird