If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there