[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you