Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
what are they serving at kfc then???
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?