Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
good work, everybody
Hello Twits.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.