My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland