She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Anime is real
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.