Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
no one ever comes back
Welcome
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning