Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Have kids, they said
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Good boy 😂😂
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
pelicons
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck