Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what