Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.