Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from