me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.